Dear Vampire Diary,

 

Okay, Mystic Falls, what’s the deal? Don’t you have any animal experts at all? I feel like all of these gruesome “animal attacks” would have raised at least SOME suspicion of something more sinister than a wolf or whatever. Of course I say this, but it’s really only a matter of time until werewolves show up and make me sound silly.

 

Aw yeah! We’re finally going to have an implausible social event! These are a staple of any teen drama worth the name. I wonder if the Founder’s Party is going to be all-in ridiculous, like black-tie or something.

 

Damon’s relationship with Caroline seems like an allegory for controlling male dominance in a relationship. And I thought that before the stab at Twilight that makes it even more apparent (Damon sits lamenting the past days of Anne Rice and asks “What’s so special about Bella?”).

 

If there’s some sort of drug to help treat the symptoms of angst, I’d like to sign Elena’s brother Jeremy up for the trial group. He’s throwing an absolute fit over his sister lending their family heirlooms to the mayor’s family for one night of cultural history. Chill out!

 

Obviously some of it would be myth, but don't you think people hunting vampires would be prepared for this type of situation?

"So, you going to invite me in?" "Well, I'm part of a secret council that actively hunts vampires...so sure, why not?"

It’s a good thing so many people in Mystic Falls are predisposed to phrasing their greetings as an invitation inside, otherwise vampires would have much more trouble crashing parties. And here I was thinking that being a plus one would be invitation enough. Silly me.

 

You know, I wasn’t having a problem with this party until the awkward scene where Caroline tries to get Stefan to dance with her. Am I the only one who thinks its weird to ask your friend’s date to dance when you came to the party with your own date? I guess that’s not the weirdest thing I’ve heard of, but she handled it really strangely. Making things MORE peculiar, though, is the fact that the founder’s party is more like a museum wing than a fancy ball, plus there doesn’t seem to be music playing. Where did she plan on dancing and to what?

 

Stefan’s at a pretty big disadvantage in the vampire war. Not only does he not drink human blood, making him physically weaker, but Daman’s natural charm is leaps and bounds above Stefan’s sincerity. He lies to Elena about what happened with Katherine, and even without his mind powers she buys it hook, line and sinker.

 

This C story about the witch girl learning to light candles with her mind is the least organic plot I can remember in ages. She’s in only a few scenes by herself in contrived situations to get her to try to start the fires, with no motivation for her to think she can or to try to do so.

 

Elena spots the horrific vampire bites on Carolyn’s neck. Maybe I’m onto something with this allegory angle. Vampires are abusive boyfriends, who feed on their lovers (though literally here instead of emotionally). Meanwhile Stefan is the one who can actually change?

 

Then again, looking at this whole Vicky choosing the lesser of two awfuls dating plotline, maybe this show is just about broken relationships.

 

I really do feel for Caroline, but she's not the brightest bulb, I wouldn't be shocked by this reaction from her.

"Oh you're spiking my drink?" "Yes, but only to kill my vampire brother" "Aw, so no incestuous vampire threesome?"

Okay, in fairness I definitely underestimated Stefan here. His ploy to spike Carolyn’s drink with the anti-vampire macguffin was pretty masterful, knowing that Damen would feed on her without a second thought. Of course he goes right back to wussville by locking Damen up instead of killing him, or even letting his “uncle” kill him, when he’s clearly proven to be super dangerous.

 

What on Earth!? Well I guess the town doesn’t have any animal experts, but they DO have some Vampire experts…the founder’s council? That’s a pretty good twist, and at least partially explains why the council was throwing a similar fit to Jeremy regarding that pocket watch.

 

 

Dear Vampire Diary,

 

If a vampire doesn’t feed for long enough, they don’t die, but instead become a living corpse? And that’s Stefan’s 50 year rehabilitation plan? This vampire stuff’s getting real, but I can’t decide if I’ve underestimated Stefan again.

 

Oh yeah, forgot about Matt…I guess he’s technically a character too, though I think he’s competing with Bonnie for the title of least useful character.

 

More Vampire hunter talk. Interesting stuff. If the watch has some anti vampire voodoo, and is a family heirloom, does that mean the Gilberts are vampire slayers? Also it’s clear that the council doesn’t know about the weird magic daytime rings, which means they’re probably not especially good at their job.

 

I’m all for clean living, but you picked a weird time to start, Jeremy. You finally hook up with the bad girl and THEN you decide you don’t want to be doing drugs? You’re doing it backwards, when you start your downward spiral, you’re supposed to meet a bad influence and then use that relationship as the excuse to START taking drugs!

 

Unlike Caroline and Vicky before him, it looks like Mr. Tanner is dead. I can’t say I blame Damon for not showing restraint on that one. Doesn’t seem like anyone at the school misses him…actually, we haven’t actually been anywhere near the school since he died. They had to cancel school when he died, because they had to restaff the entire school, didn’t they?

 

I wonder if she'll ever learn to do anything constructive with her magic, like cast a spell to grow a personality.

"Hey guys, check it out, I'm a witch!" "This is why nobody invites you to parties, Bonnie."

Looks like the vampire regeneration factor can heal burning from sunlight. That’s handy.

 

Speaking of burning, Bonnie the witch really needs some psychiatric help to deal with her pyrokinesis problem.

 

Am I really supposed to believe there was film of local news from the 50’s? A lot of TV shows from back then weren’t even filmed, would the local news really go to the trouble? Even if it existed and even if you could zoom in on someone in the background it would be so hopelessly grainy you’d be unable to make out their features. I call shenanigans.

 

Elena figured out there are vampires. Cool for her.

 

Man, even when Vicky figured out that both of her boyfriends were incurable ogres, the abusive boyfriend vampire allegory thing still bit her…literally…in the neck. She’s been fed on twice. Sucks to be her.

 

 

Dear Vampire Diary,

 

I find it weird that Elena phrased her skepticism about her discovery as “I am not a believer”. This is a vague statement…does she not believe in the supernatural? This is what I assume because otherwise it suggests that people in her world believe in Vampires like they do Santa Claus or like a politician who will actually improve something in office.

 

I kid, she's certainly not that bad, but when I see her on screen she still feels like Elena...except when she's undeading people.

"Yo guys, sorry I'm late for your shindig, I hit mad traffic on the way to your crib."

I don’t know exactly why, but I totally don’t by Elena’s actress playing Katherine. She feels like she’s playing dress up.

 

What is Vicky made of, and how does she keep surviving this horrific blood loss? We should study her for science.

 

Time for the laundry list of Vampire myths! I appreciate the fact that they waited to pull this until there was someone to legitimately ask the questions. So that’s myth busted on crucifixes, holy water, garlic and the reflection thing. So almost none of vampire lore is true…at least they don’t sparkle in daylight.

 

This makes me uncomfortable. So Damon makes Vicky drink some of his blood after she survives yet again, then later they start drinking each other’s blood simultaneously. Somehow this seems weirdly incestuous and unpleasant. Aside from which, if vampires could sustain themselves on vampire blood, would it be necessary to feed on humans? I am confused.

 

So Katherine is the vampire that turned both the brothers, eh? I didn’t exactly call it, but I’m not as surprised as I should be. She’s pretty clearly a callous manipulator, so her using vampire powers selfishly would not be a shock even without my theory of abusive vampires.

 

This party montage with Vicky and Damon is delightfully gratuitous. Usually teen dramas save this sort thing for like slumber parties, but sometimes you’ve got to get the bad boy’s shirt off for some reason. She’s not pulling any shame punches either, dancing around and rolling on the floor in a tight/skimpy outfit.

 

So Vicky goes about expositioning her troubled past to Damon, who points out how very damaged she is and then kills her. Of course, she gets back up because she drank his blood. I’m unclear about how this works. I mean They’ve explained their process: drink a vampire’s blood, die, feed on a human. What I don’t get is how you can be undead before you finish the becoming a vampire process.

 

Maybe the needle is made from a teenage girl's hair, and thus is inherently attracted to vampires.

"Alright, got my vampire compass, got my wooden bullets, time to go vampire hunting! Uh oh, made in Taiwan? These bullets aren't going to kill vampires are they?"

Okay, time to talk about this pocket watch. So it seems that pocket watch that Jeremy was moping about is half of some sort of vampire tracking compass thing. Except that the part that actually seems to track them is the part the founder’s council already had, the compass was just an empty shell when they put the other part inside. So…why did they need the watch? Also, what mechanism does one use to track a vampire, anyway? Are they magnetic? Is it just a regular compass? If so the founders are kind of jerks for stealing the watch, but then again, Jeremy hasn’t seemed to miss it, despite his earlier tantrum.

 

Even if we accept that the compass somehow makes sense, what good is this thing for humans? Vampires are considerably faster, stronger and more mind control-y than humans are. You can use this compass thing to get close, piss of a vampire and then die? I think I need to have a word with their QA team.

 

Local newscaster guy got vampire’d! He has a history of abuse from when he cheated on aunt Jenna. Coincidence, or is he being punished for his abusive relationship past? But if this show sought to punish people for that behavior then it would be focused on the vampires, would it? I’m eventually going to figure out how my theory applies, blast it!

 

Looks like my theory about the compass holds true, at least. It got newscaster guy close enough to Vampires to shoot one, then get him wrecked, by an angry vampire. Once again, this feels like a Torchwood plan to me.

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