Dear Vampire Diary,

 

Well, if Vicki was going to go after someone to eat as a vampire, I feel like Tyler’s a good choice. Our weird Jason Voorhees-esque motif about abusive relationships and vampires continues as she retaliates by trying to eat him. Vampires never die or age just like abusive relationships never end or change. That almost sounds like a delightful vampire poem.

 

I hadn’t noticed that the high school mascot was the timber wolves…just…wow.

 

It’s kind of refreshing that Elena actually reacts to the idea of keeping secrets about everyone to protect vampires.

 

If Vicki is any indication, side effects of being dead include supernatural agility, heightened senses, a taste for human blood and an insufferable amount of complaining.

 

I can’t decide if it’s cleverness or laziness that’s driven the witch to dress like a witch and the new vampire to dress like a vampire for Halloween.

 

This is why vampires can't have nice things.

"Stefan, aren't you the reformed vampire who believes that people can change? Why'd you kill my brother's girlfriend?" "I slipped...and grabbed a sharp piece of wood to break my fall...and then stumbled into her chest."

It’s a good thing the school has a trash can full of wooden planks with which to fend off and possibly kill attacking vampires…why does it have that? Does this school have a vampire slaying elective? It would be practical.

 

Gonna be honest, Stefan, I know she was a bloodthirsty vampire at risk of attacking your friends, but staking her to death might have been a bit much. He without sin and all that.

 

These witch plots continue to be terribly woven into the story. The scenes are routinely about a minute long and just full of exposition with little or no motivation.

 

Damon: “You’re confusing me with someone with remorse. None of this matters to me.”

I think that sums things up quite nicely.

 

This is a really emasculating moment for Stefan. Elena wants her brother to forget about the time he saw he vampire girlfriend get staked, but because Stefan doesn’t eat people, they have to rely on his brother who he hates to save his love interest’s brother from Post Vampiric Stress Syndrome.

 

 

Dear Vampire Diary,

 

Looks like it’s Stefen’s 162nd birthday which has brought a generically attractive blonde vampire girl to town to celebrate. She, Lexi, says that only the Salvatore s have the magical Lapis Lazuli daylight survival rings. He suggests that they won’t work for anyone else. The plot thickens.

 

Again, I’m glad Elena’s a real person. We already knew she was predisposed to being emo so all this death, lies and vampirism SHOULD annoy the crap out of her, which it does.

 

Haha, well it looks like Lexi feeds on humans because she proves stronger than Damon. It’s fun to see him get bullied.

 

Leave it to a teenager (and the most annoying character on the show) to complain about a powerful magical amulet not looking pretty enough.

 

I guess if it got to that point he'd just compel whoever was left to buy his crappy story. Wouldn't be too hard.

"Hey Damon, the town census says we're the only people still living in town. Where's everybody else?" "Um...they all had to leave town...suddenly."

You know the whole “mysteriously left town on short notice” thing can work in small doses, but it has already happened to Vicki, Logan and Stefan’s “uncle”. I feel like someone’s going to have to start picking up on this soon.

 

“Bonnie, what’s going on?” Really Elena? In the pilot she wouldn’t shut up about her witch heritage and you just found out vampires exist. Just stop trying to be skeptical.

 

Ah, so Lexi doesn’t just feed on humans like Damon, she feeds on donated human blood. Probably not donated TO her, but when dealing with vampires you’re probably going to hit on something morally reprehensible eventually.

 

The Caroline/Damon relationship is definitely the core of my thesis, at least at this stage of the show. “Why are you being like this?” she asks him, “I’m so good to you!” “You’re shallow and useless,” he replies.

 

Lexi’s actually being genuinely helpful with the Stefan/Elena relationship…not really sure why. I definitely had the impression she was into him, though I could have just been reading into how protective she was of him.

 

Damon’s got some serious game, between working closely with the council and even providing them a weapon (vervain) to throw off suspicion, to not just killing some people and trying to put Lexi on the spot, but leaving a hypnotized witness. I think that staking Lexi may have been a bit much, though, even if Stefan and Elena hadn’t been watching. Also, since the bullets weren’t slowing Lexi down, I have to say shame on the sheriff for hunting vampires without appropriate tools.

 

Two vampires down in as many episodes. We’re going to start running out soon at this rate, unless we keep introducing new ones.

 

Pro tip, Matt, when you drop off the sheriff’s daughter at her house and the sheriff knows the girl is completely wasted, it’s probably not smart to sleep in her bed, funny business or no. Trigger happy sheriff’s probably going to think you’re taking advantage of her daughter.

 

Seriously though, this is really messed up and I feel like Stefan should stop trying to be reasonable with Damon after this.

"Ugh, is-is that a stake in your pocket or are you happy to see me?" "Oooh, sorry, I should probably be more careful where I leave that thing"

Damon, I wouldn’t be so smug about solving the vampire suspicion problem, since you caused it in the first place and then killed Stefan’s friend.

 

Considering that we established that Damon’s powers are better than Stefan, I think that Stefan administering a stake to Damon’s gut was way too easy.

 

What’s up with this town’s graveyard? There’s a mausoleum and like 5 tombstones, that accounts for like the amount of people of have died in town since the show started. Actually, I don’t think it even covers that.

 

 

Dear Vampire Diary,

 

Hey! Not only are we in school, but there’s a teacher other than Mr. Tanner. The school board must have finally caved in the actually-staffing-the-school negotiations.

 

I had my name legally changed from "Shady Murderman" because I couldn't get hired as a teacher.

"Hello, my name is Alaric Saltzman, and I will probably kill you or someone you care about before I'm written out of this series."

Oh wow, and another teacher within just a few minutes. This guy even gets a highly fictitious sounding name: Alaric Saltzman. I have to assume with a name like Alaric that he has something to do with vampires. Uh oh, he’s the history teacher! Is history like the Vampire Diaries equivalent of the Defense Against the Dark Arts class from Harry Potter?

 

“Sorry I killed your best friend, here’s some coffee” doesn’t quite seem like an adequate apology. Still, it shows at least the vaguest hint of effort from Damon, which is new.

 

What’s that? A suspicious family heirloom ring with a blue tint to it? It was pretty strongly insinuated in the last episode that the Salvatore brothers were the only ones with magic daylight protecting decoder rings, but maybe this will come as news to everyone.

 

When did Damon suddenly figure out like every detail of Bonnie’s life? Granted, she hasn’t shown us a lot of depth so far, but not that long ago he didn’t even know she was a witch (shocking, I know), now he knows that her dead witch ancestor is haunting her through the crystal. My guess is that she needs to change her privacy settings on Facebook.

 

Dun dun DUH! The amulet that Bonnie threw away in a field in the middle of nowhere reappeared unexpectedly in her purse! If she can’t deal with this level of unexplained phenomena she’s not going to be a very good witch.

 

“I consider you to be my best friend, even though we barely ever speak and I’ve been holding a grudge against you because you won’t return something I don’t even want.” Looks like Caroline and Damon have something in common, an inability to apologize appropriately.

 

They'll only learn the error of their ways when the spirits invite a bunch of their friends, get drunk and trash the place.

"Inviting relentless spirits into our lives is fun! While we're at it, let's invite some more Vampires into my house!"

Seriously? A séance? Hasn’t Bonnie spent this entire episode complaining about a ghost haunting her? Why would we agree to invite in a spirit? You deserve whatever you get from this.

 

Damon says Stefan is an expert on starving vampires. That does raise the question, why did Stefan know about that whole living corpse thing to threaten Damon with it before?

 

Oh good! Bonnie’s become possessed by the ghost of Emily! Maybe she’ll contribute to the story in some way!

 

You would think that being a vampire himself, Stefan would be prepared for things like super-sensory eavesdropping when he gets important information via phone call.

 

I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the burning tree. Even Bonnie’s ancestors have a pyromania problem. I have to say, I’m a little bummed that Emily’s contribution while possessing Bonnie was to destroy the thing that was possibly going to make Bonnie useful.

 

So is “having a wounded human drink my blood” the go-to solution for all vampire problems?

 

Well they caught me by surprise here. I would not have guessed that Damon was the one with genuine feelings for Katherine. Of course I hadn’t guessed that she was an evil vampire or that she was probably alive and tramped somewhere with a bunch of angry vampires, so maybe I’m  not the best one to ask.

 

Interesting, so vampire blood is pretty much just super medicine as long as you don’t die?

 

Oh no! Stefan’s leaving. He probably shouldn’t go until he’s made sure that Damon’s also leaving. You know, cause he eats people indiscriminately?

 

So Elena tells Bonnie about the vampires during a musical montage, which she responds to by crying. I like to think he reactions was something like, “There were two sexy vampires in town and you didn’t tell me? You’re a terrible friend, you know how much I loved Twilight!”

 

Oh. Logan’s back. And he ALSO seems to be a vampire. Kind of a lot of vampire happening in this town all of a sudden. Maybe they really are planning on continuing to kill vampires with relatively reckless abandon. Logan’s return does at least explain why they’ve continued to use footage from him during the “previously on the Vampire Diaries” segments.

 

 

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