Dear Vampire Diary,


Logan, that news reporter who cheated on Aunt Jenna, is very insistent on being invited into her house. He’s clearly a vampire, but since he hasn’t used the ability to compel her to invite himself in, I suspect that doesn’t work. He may also just be a lousy vampire…and really, those two things aren’t mutually exclusive.


Oh, hey, an old-fashioned vampire attack to close out the cold open! It’s been a while since we’ve seen one of those. I don’t know if that was supposed to come as a surprise, but repeatedly asking someone to invite you in isn’t something that not-vampires do very often.


Since Damon and Stefan have both declared intentions to leave town, the brothers discuss where they’ll go next. Damon suggests the two try out for the Amazing Race. This idea is AWESOME! You try and honestly tell me that you wouldn’t watch a pair of vampires race around the world performing a series of challenges.


You know, despite the whole cougar explosion a few years back I’d say American culture gets pretty iffy about age differences in couples, and especially with high schoolers. Despite this, I rarely hear people say anything about 162 year old guys making eyes at high school girls in vampire fiction.

Is their like a wooden bullet wholesaler or something? Where does Logan keep getting these things?

“How do you walk in the sun?” “Who turned you” “How do you walk in the sun?” “I’ve seen this tree before!”


So the Sheriff is not only the head of local law enforcement, but also a member of a secret vampire hunting organization, yet when hunting vampires she’s unprepared. Meanwhile newscaster Logan, admittedly also a member of said secret organization, who is minding his own business and probably disoriented from being turned into a vampire is totally ready to slay some liches (get it? undead joke). I think this town may need an emergency election.


I really do enjoy seeing the Salvatore brothers working together. You know what they say, “the family who murders vampires together out of clandestine self-preservation, stays together”. It sounds wittier in the original Latin.


Does Caroline have some sort of Vampire magnetism? Honestly. First Damon, now Logan? Does she just have the best blood or something?


Man I really appreciate Damon’s ability to play every angle. He’s got Stefan helping him take down Logan, he’s got Logan helping him try to free Katherine behind Stefan’s back, and all the while he’s got the Sheriff in the palm of his hand. If I was playing a game or sociopathic mastermind in gym class I would pick Damon first every day of the week.


I object, on the grounds that Bonnie has cornered the market on blatantly obvious supernatural things!

“What’s your problem, man?” “Judging by this incredibly transparent camera angle, I’m probably going to become a werewolf.”

For some reason Jeremy is suddenly intent on trying to be friends with Tyler, the other guy who was sleeping with his dead vampire girlfriend. Saltzman breaks up a fight between them (instigated by the mayor, for some reason), then we’re presented with what’s likely to be the least subtle  moment of foreshadowing I’ve ever seen.


Elena asks Stefan not to leave town because she loves him. This immediately degenerates into a makeout session, which in turn evolves into this weird emotional casserole of sweet, gratuitous and horrifying. Vampires are so complicated, no wonder they’re so emo all the time.


Episode ten and the main love interests have already had sex. They just don’t make vampire romances like they used to. It’s okay, though, this relationship can’t last long without derailing.


I’m not really sure what to make of the unreasonably suspicious Alaric Saltzman now. He gallantly came and staked Logan after keeping Jeremy out of trouble at the school’s career night. He seems to play the good guy vampire part way better than Stefan. Though he just sort of left the dead Vampire out for the world to find, so he’s not so bright.


I can’t decide if all this vampire trauma is going to give Caroline a thick skin or a psychotic break. At this point, I’ll say even odds, but when the vampires stop compelling her to be okay with everything, all bets are off!


Again, if there’s one major thing I would say about this show, it’s that they deal with the whole emo vampire thing really well. Both Stefan and Elena are inherently dramatic people who rarely smile or find anything about life that won’t give them an angst fit. Yet when they’re together, they both definitely liven up (especially in the case of the undead guy). I really appreciate the subtlety of the character direction on this show.


Whoops! There it is, Elena found the photographic evidence that Stefan’s been stalking her all along. The photo of Katherine. That ought to jam a wrench in this relationship for a few episodes. I definitely understand her reaction of running away, but she PROBABLY shouldn’t have taken off her anti-vampire necklace. Or crashed her car into what was probably a vampire.



Dear Vampire Diary,


Alaric Saltzman has a vampire diary!? In it he writes about killing Logan, but he implies not only that he isn’t a vampire, but also that he’s never seen one. If he’s not a vampire and has never seen one, then why does he have that Lapus Lazuli ring?


"Oh, and I notice you aren't protected from my mind control any more. Today's going to be a lot of fun!"

"Good morning! Hope you don't mind that I took the liberty of kidnapping you and crossing state lines while you were sleeping!"

Well that’s a creepy wake-up call! Damon saves Elena from the car crash after she fled Stefan’s place, then tosses her in the passenger side of his car and drives to Georgia. Oh great, and he stole her phone AND he noticed she doesn’t have her anti-mind control necklace. Girl needs some Folgers in her cup to start turning this morning around.


You have got to be kidding me! Bonnie finally has a chance to do something useful without the ghost of her dead ancestor possessing her body and her witch powers have inexplicably disappeared. My frustration with her character has reached the point of complete irrationality.


Gina Torres? Cool! Making out with Damon? Well…he is as charming as he his dangerously unpredictable, and he did kill his brother’s best friend to cover his own murder spree. Also, she seems to be a witch, guess we’re having a witch episode.


Okay, so according to Bonnie’s grandmother, the reason Bonnie can’t use her powers is because her fear of vampires is blocking them off somehow. If fear shuts off witchcraft it doesn’t seem terribly practical.


Elena seems to have defeated the entire bar where Damon has taken her at a drinking contest, even though she is a relatively small girl.


Elena had a rough morning, for sure, but Damon’s having a whole bad week. First Logan shot him like a dozen times with wooden bullets, now Lexi’s Vampire boyfriend is beating him to a pulp with a wooden plank, soaking him and gasoline and is threatening to light him on fire. It’s a good thing that wasted Elena is a master conflict mediator.


Well, that was a short-lived cameo for Gina Torres, but at least she didn’t die twice in the first two episodes of the series, like Alan Tudyk did on V. Those Firefly alumni have it rough.


You know, I have to concede that for all this show’s teenage flights of over-emotional self-indulgence, when it really counts the characters generally have normal, human reactions. When Elena finally gets back to Stefan to confront him she’s like, “okay I can deal with vampires and witches, but why didn’t you tell me about your creepy fascination with that woman who looks exactly like me?” Honestly, that seems reasonable to me, given all she’s seen she pretty much HAS to deal with the supernatural, but this is something Stefan had some control over.


"At least if I get amnesia it will temporarily cancel out all of these other cliches."

"So you're telling me that people I know who die are fairly likely to come back to life and I effectively have an evil twin? I'm dangerously close to becoming self aware about out soap opera!"

What’s worse than finding out that your boyfriend is mainly interested in you because you look like his dead vampire girlfriend, you ask? Well, how about finding out that he saved you from the car accident that killed your parents, but didn’t have time to save them too? Oh, oh, and while we’re at it, after the car accident your resemblance to said vampire girlfriend cause him to actually stalk you for about a year to “learn everything he could about you” to make sure you weren’t actually her? Oh, and one more thing, apparently Elena was also adopted. Yeah, she’s having a memorable day…


Okay, so I haven’t mentioned this, but Jeremy’s spent the episode’s B plot making friends with a slightly awkward home schooled love interest (Anna). I bring this up now because she, being one of the few people in town with a reasonable excuse for not having an abundance of common sense, seems to be the one person who’s realized that the town’s frequency or horrible animal attacks is both alarming and unusual. Everyone in town should be ashamed.


We end the episode coming full circle on that flashback Alaric had about his girlfriend/wife/non-descript significant other. He sees Damon and it reminds him of that time that Damon fed on the woman of ambiguous romantic relation to Alaric. Oops!