Dear Vampire Diary,

Vampire Pizza is very quick, but if you don't tip the delivery guys well then you'll become dinner.

“Hey, if I slip you an extra twenty, will you not come back and attack my sister?” “Hmmm, no promises.”

Here’s a reason to tell Jeremy about vampires: so he doesn’t invite the pizza guy into their home, thus allowing a shady vampire free access to Elena, who seems to be made of like vampire nip or something.

 

On that note, I don’t think we should really trust Jeremy at all. Don’t get me wrong, he’s been a much more interesting character since his vampire girlfriend died and he was hypnotized to forget about her, but he never even noticed the family heirloom pocketwatch go missing, and then he hands over that journal from his ancestor to Alaric without any hesitation. A book like that is probably very delicate…though he was carrying it around school in his backpack, so it may actually be better off.

 

At this rate I should just start writing “Jeremy Gilbert” in my vampire diary and dot the i’s with hearts…and probably put little vampire fangs on the m’s. Anyway, now he’s pushing away the cute home school girl because he’s hung up on his dead vampire girlfriend, who was a terrible influence and that he doesn’t even know is dead. If he’s not careful, this entry is just going to be reasons I hate Jeremy.

 

Remember that time all the vampires were going to leave town? I do. I know the Salvatores now have reason to stay, I just think it’s funny that neither of them ever really addressed sticking around, they just sort of didn’t leave.

 

Again, the Vampire Compass (TM) isn't very useful if the person most likely to drop by unannounced, your boyfriend, constantly gives you a false positive.

"Hey Elena, what’s hanging? Other than me of course! Hahaha, I crack myself up."

So the vampire pizza delivery boy comes back and tries to eat Elena, but he uses the oldest trick in the book to hide.

 

I think it’s kind of funny that people are finally on board with trying to kill Damon now that he’s mostly behaving himself, and occasionally being helpful.

 

Well, I was all set to congratulate Anna for having common sense once again for reprimanding Jeremy for giving out his journal indiscriminately, until she turned out to be a vampire. If I had a nickel for every time I ended a story with “until she turned out to be a vampire” I’d be a rich man.

 

It seems like people who get involved with vampires have a tendency to keep getting involved with vampires. First Caroline with Damon, then Logan and now Jeremy with Vicky followed by Anna. So according to my vaguely defined abusive vampire theory, some people are just the vampire type, and keep getting attracted without learning their lesson.

 

Turn-offs include responsible decision making and his physical and emotional well being.

Jeremy Gilbert: Turn-ons include candle-lit dinners, (super) strong, independent women and undead monsters who want to feed on him both literally and figuratively.

Anna’s vampire obsession seems weird now that we know she’s a vampire. Like, why bother trying to convince Jeremy that vampires exist when she knows they exist because she is one, and having people know about it is a liability.

 

Oh good, the journal that Jeremy irresponsibly lent his teacher contains a lead toward opening the tomb full of angry, hungry vampires. It seems weird to have Stefan be the one torturing this information out of Anna’s friend the, vampire pizza guy, though.

 

It’s a good thing that every single person in this world keeps a journal, because they seem to be a great source of vampire-related information. I’m surprised, though, that since the pilot they’ve always been referred to as journals and not diaries. That’s like having Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom take place in a regular old church. In theory they are similar concepts, but it’s just not the same.

 

So it looks like Anna has a vampire boyfriend, and together they’re trying to free all of the angry vampires too. This seems like a poor decision. I mean, taking care of an army of vampires is a big responsibility, you’ll have to feed them and walk them and clean up after them…did they really think this through?

 

 

Dear Vampire Diary,

 

So we get our episodic dose of cold open vampire attack in the form of a Flashback to Katherine-era Mystic Falls. Despite all of Stefan and Damon’s talk of their rivalry over Katherine, this is the first time I really sense the drama behind it. We’ve already seen the moment when Stefan got turned against his will, but now we see Damon asking to be turned and Katherine forcing him to wait.

 

This whole scene with Damon intruding on Elena and Stefan’s morning-after-glow raises an uncomfortable point about vampires cohabitating. You thought it was bad hearing your roommate going at it? Try hearing every agonizing detail with your super senses. I now have the heebie jeebies.

 

For a hundred and forty five years Damon has ruined Stefan’s happiness every chance he’s gotten. Isn’t there an expression that goes, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me consistently over the course of a century and a half, shame on me”?

 

"Look, It even tells the time! Oh no, wait...yeah it's just broken."

"Behold, I've invented a device to track vampires!" “What is it, Magic?” “No! It operates on Newtonian laws of Vampires...shut up.”

I’m glad that even people in 1864 called shenanigans on the vampire compass, though it’s kind of concerning that the people of Mystic Falls have either gotten dumb or complacent enough to just accept these sorts of things. Like “animal attacks” and “large quantities of people leaving town suddenly for no reason”.

 

Woops! Apparently papa Salvatore was a vampire hunter. I bet that made Thanksgiving dinners pretty awkward.

 

Okay, now I certainly had my reservations at first, but Saltzman is definitely shaping up to be an awesome character. He’s the only person who really seems to grasp the vampire threat, and can handle himself against them. Plus, apparently he invented some sort of anti-vampire stake cannon fit for a really sweet action cartoon.

 

It just occurred to me that Katherine is a daywalker, despite inferences in the present that only Damon and Stefan can use their magical decoder rings to eat lunch at outdoor cafes and such. She must be the source of their vaguely explained power!

 

I hear he's already developing an automatic version due for release in time for Christmas this year!

The Saltzman Slay-o-Matic 5000, available at all fine sporting goods retailers.

Woah, wait, vampires can parlay their reflexes into super video game playing power!? Imagine the quality of my Let’s Plays if I just added some human blood to my diet!

 

Ah-ha! There we go! Emily is apparently the one responsible for whatever nondescript enchantment on those rings lets vampires survive sunlight. Between that and whatever deal she made with Damon to release those vampires from the tomb, I’m finally starting to see the family resemblance to Bonnie.

 

Looks like Anna, Jeremy’s socially awkward, vampire-obsessed vampire stalker is actually Annabelle, Katherine’s vampire friend’s vampire daughter. Whether or not you managed to follow that description to understand the relationship, I think you and I can both agree that we’re finally delving into soap opera grade relationship territory.

 

Shucks, looks like the Damon/Stefan partnership built on a foundation of lies has finally crumbled. The brothers met at their father’s grave since it turns out his vampire hunter status led to him being entrusted with the Grimoire with the spell which can open the tomb. This confrontation, in turn, facilitated possibly the least plausible moment of the series so far; an emo teenage girl with vampire blood forced into her system NOT trying to kill herself to gain eternal life as a vampire.

 

"Oh no, don't make me a vampire. While you're at it, you better not have hot vampire sex with me, that would be 'terrible'".

"Hold the phone, if I die right now I get to be a vampire? This seems like a win-win to me, a typical emo teenage girl."

I hope at some point they explain why Emily wanted to put herself on the line to help out a bunch of vampires. Isn’t just being a witch dangerous enough in the 1800’s? And if they were all such good friends, why didn’t they turn her so she could be a vampire witch? In the rock paper scissors game of witch, werewolf, vampire, I’m pretty sure vampire witch trumps all.

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