This will be of the utmost importance, considering we expressly prohibit any vampires from leaving the home.

Here, at the Wayward Home for Vampires' Fashion Center, we will style your hair and clothes to be more appealing to the tastes of our target demographic...I mean, to blend in with society.

Dear Vampire Diary,

 

Welcome to the Home for Wayward Resurrected Vampires! Here we will update your wardrobe, explain the concept of television and let you feed on our hypnotically Stockholm syndromed hostess as you attempt to acclimate to life (unlife? Undead terminology is very confusing) after being magically sealed in a tomb for roughly 150 years.

 

Matt has wasted no time in having a father-daughter conversation with his deadbeat mother. There’s a really creepy sentence for you. He asks her to tone down her party lifestyle and get a job, causing her to complain that he’s being too judge-y. Moments later Caroline arrives and Kelly leaves the room with a scoff and a super passive aggressive brush off. Starting to understand why Viki was so screwed up…

 

Matt suggests that he and Caroline have a movie night, which she objects to because his Mom clearly and openly hates her for no reason. Caroline’s idea of compromise is to ask Matt’s ex-girlfriend and her now vampire boyfriend to movie night and make it into a double date, ripe with wacky misunderstanding potential. Did I mention she extends this invitation without Matt’s consent? I’m pretty sure Caroline wants this to explode in her face for some reason.

 

"I'd totally press charges if vampires had a judicial system!"

"Gah what the heck!? I was just waiting for you to say 'please'! This is terribly rude!"

As much as I love Damon, I never get tired of seeing people put him in his place. Anna and her mom arrive as unwanted guests in his home Apparently Anna managed to find out that Damon’s on the inside with the founder’s council, and the mother daughter team wants to use him to defeat whatever vampire hunting force remains and reclaim Mystic Falls. True to form, Damon is too smart to get tangled in this ridiculous plan, but he’s not too smart to have his eyes gouged out by a much more powerful vampire.

 

Ah, now I feel better. See, Stefan’s spent most of this episode being so irritatingly charming that it was actually starting to bother me. Then he goes and infers that he was making plans for Elena to be his girlfriend while he was still just stalking her and tops that off with a double date story about Hugh Heffner and some twins. Now I’m annoyed by Elena not being bothered by any of that weirdness.

 

I feel conflicted by this setup: we’ve got Matt’s Mom, Kelly, planning on letting loose at a bar with a sulking Damon and a reluctant Aunt Jenna. On the one hand this sounds entertaining and I’m interested to see what come of it. On the other hand it sort of just feels like we blindly threw darts at a wall of names to assemble this group together. Maybe I should give dart-writing a chance, for all I know it could be a great, untapped source of creativity!

 

Clearly Caroline hadn’t actually thought this double date through. She tells Elena the point was for her to show Matt she had moved on, Elena thought she and Matt were supposed to become friends again. Maybe next time, before we invite our boyfriend’s ex along on a double date, we’ll consider any outcome other than an extremely unlikely one that involves said ex’s cooperation without telling them what they’re meant to be doing.

 

Oh…that’s bad. I hadn’t actually considered the side effect of the tomb vampires mistaking Elena for Katherine, which should have been fairly obvious. I’m not sure exactly what the vampires might do as a result of this misunderstanding, but I’d venture a guess that it won’t be wacky. Guess I’ll have to save my canned laughter for the double date plotline.

 

I think Elena needs to reprioritize. At first she was very reluctant to go on this double date because it would be too much fun and she’s a brooding teenager. Now one of her best friends is mad at her about the double date AND there’s at least one unknown vampire running about unchecked and she’s like “no, we need to have fun RIGHT NOW!” Is she sure she’s adopted? I’m started to see a resemblance between her and Jeremy’s carelessness.

 

Well that was pretty anti-climactic. Team booze hounds sort of just got drunk…then Kelly and Damon started flirting really hard until Jenna finally left. I am disappointed by your dartboard scenario!

 

Cutting yourself then having a vampire drink your blood is like the goth-emoest thing that anyone has ever thought of.

"I knew you were a vampire!" “Technically this proves nothing, I could just have a REALLY unsettling fetish”

Oh boy, remember that time I referenced Jeremy’s carelessness? Deliberately cutting yourself and inviting your Vampire crush Anna to feed on your blood counts. It counts super, SUPER hard.

 

Oh great, Damon had the same idea to bring Matt’s Mom back to Salvatore manor, so Matt and Caroline see their respective mother and ex-boyfriend hot and heavy in the hallway. I finally have my wacky misunderstanding worthy of a sitcom laugh track!

 

Nothing like a good old-fashioned vampire brawl to get brothers to set aside their differences! I remember the good old days when my brother and I would wander the spooky woods with stakes and torches, looking for trouble. I wonder if that has anything to do with my psychological issues.

 

Oh boy, remember that time I referenced Jeremy’s carelessness? Figuring out that vampires exist, then that your “missing” (read: dead) girlfriend was a vampire then trying to get your new love interest to turn you into the walking undead counts. It counts pretty hard.

 

 

Dear Vampire Diary,

 

So this episode picks up immediately after the last one ended, and yet its suddenly thunder storming for dramatic effect. I thought that type of thing only happened in melodramas and cartoons.

 

Jeremy and Anna are still hanging out, and she claims that running water also does not effect vampires as Dracula would have you believe. She’s still refusing to turn Jeremy, and for good reason…well, for lack of good reason actually. Jeremy has no clue why he wants to be a vampire, that makes two of us.

 

Pearl tells that disgruntled vampire Frederick that they shouldn’t fight for revenge, and that they should use patience and cunning to take back the town of Mystic Falls. Personally I feel like Vampires, who are essentially immortal, are probably the most likely creatures to hold grudges.

 

Here’s a question, now we’ve probably got at least 20 vampires running around town, and most of them don’t have a problem feeding on humans. They can’t all be feeding off of Miss Gibbons, the lady who owns the Wayward Vampire Home, cause she’d be very dead. How are all the vampires feeding without the town noticing more “animal attacks”?

 

And Stefan fangirls everywhere have incredibly conflicting emotions about tortured fanservice Stefan.

“We didn’t HAVE to take your shirt off, but since we’re here and your abs are here, we figured: might as well.”

I guess Vampires like hoods…Stefan goes out to hunt for some food and gets ambushed by three vampires in hoods and staked in the chest. They drag him back to the Home for Wayward Vampires where Damon discovers that a living person lives there and won’t let him in. This gives the vampire jerk squad plenty of time to start torturing Stefan. More importantly it gives them an excuse to take his shirt off. Hello ladies.

 

I’m not sure how I feel about trying to ask Saltzman for help rescuing Stefan. I mean, logically he’s a good choice: seasoned vampire hunter, potentially unkillable…however, he does have a slight problem with vampires, specifically Damon for turning his wife. I’m surprised they even managed to get a serious audience with him, but Damon says Pearl knows where he can find his wife, so he agrees…though I’m not really sure what he would do with that information at this point.

 

Oh good, Anna has presented us with an easy system for classifying the justifications of turned vampires. A vampire turns someone because of:

A)   The need for a henchman

B)   Some twisted revenge scheme.

C)   Boredom (to which she gives the footnote “That never turns out well”

D)   True love, which the vampire doing the turning wants to last for eternity

She did of course forget to mention “a need for using the carpool lane” as a reason to turn someone, but otherwise a solidly comprehensive list.

 

I understand why Elena is constantly trying to force herself into a position to help on these dangerous missions, especially with Stefan being held captive, but I have to side with everyone telling her no…and wonder how she hasn’t picked up on this after so many no’s. Damon is a super-powered socipathic killing machine, Saltzman, again, is as close to a pro vampire hunter as we’ve seen whereas she…she is a teenage girl. It’s not a perfect metaphor, but commissioner Gordon doesn’t call for Batman, Robin and Alfred the butler, Gotham need people with actual crime fighting skills!

 

Glad to see the Stake-o-Matic in full force once again. Speaking of Batman, with just a few more anti-vampire gadgets , Saltzman could totally go full-on undead vigilante.

 

So Caroline got stranded on a mud road in the middle of the Nowhere Woods because of the rainstorm. She’s actually having a pretty good day; instead of being attacked by vampires she just found a dead one. Viki, to be precise. Incidentally, her boyfriend (Viki’s brother) is not having an especially good day.

 

I'm sure Stefan feeding on Elena will eventually lead to a new conclusion for my abusive relationship vampire theory, for which I am excited.

"I've never seen you drink blood, so this finally confirms you're a vampire and not just a superhero." “Technically this proves nothing, I could just have a REALLY unsettling fetish.”

Ugh, finally! Half of this episode has been telegraphing the scene where Elena saves Stefan’s life by offering him her blood!

 

I’m going to be honest, this house Vampire House storyline is not my favorite. It doesn’t really focus on any of the main characters and the vampires’ plan lacks a direction or focus to give it any gravity. Also, when Damon’s not in charge he doesn’t get to act like a deranged game show host, which is perhaps the best part of the show.

 

Just when it seems like all hope is lost for the buddy slayer team of Saltzman and Salvatore, who are slowly being surrounded by a slew of angry vampires from the wayward home, Pearl shows up and everyone just sort of disperses on slightly bitter terms. Blast this infernal episode and its refusal to be interesting!

 

"Aw man, and I just cleaned in here! This is why we can't have nice things!"

"Lucy, you got some splainin' to do!"

And even further adding to my general apathy towards this episode, most of this last act just seems to be a montage of people reacting to Viki’s death, which happened kind of a while ago. Is it in character and completely logical for these people to have this reaction? Absolutely. Is it interesting to watch? No, not at all. I  can only hope this is setting up for something relevant, probably something to do with Jeremy becoming a vampire.

 

Nope, I was mistaken, this has lead to the exact opposite of that outcome, which Jeremy proves by confessing to Anna that Viki was his reason for wanting to turn vampire in the first place. So all of this uninteresting stuff happened so that more interesting things could NOT happen. This is some crack storytelling.

 

At least our final shot of the episode shows morbid promise! Looks like Stefan has a taste for human blood again, which he can’t control. Who’s looking forward to a very special episode about addiction…to human blood? I know I am, if only to have an episode of Vampire Diaries focus around one of its main characters again.

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