Posts tagged ‘vampire’

Dear Vampire Diaries: Volume 8

Dear Vampire Diary,

 

While talking to Stefan about his heightened bloodlust, Damon actually raises some good points that are food for thought. I would expect him to just try and convince Stefan to be an old-fashioned hunter-killer human-feeding vampire, but instead he proposes going to a blood bank. It’s almost a victimless crime, and certainly doesn’t require Stefan to hunt or kill. Instead of taking Damon’s rare good idea, he says he has his reasons for not doing so and returns to self-imposed brooding as he tries to resume normal life…unlife? Afterlife? Eventually I’m going to figure out a term for this.

 

Clearly he let himself in, since nobody would invite that guy into their home, so he's almost certainly not a vampire.

"Hi, I’m uncle John. I have a face which says 'I love babies, can I eat yours?'”

So sketchy Uncle John has come to town to keep Aunt Jenna from selling Elena’s father’s old office (something we barely established was happening in a D plot from like two episodes ago). After about 60 seconds it’s pretty clear that no one in the whole world likes Uncle John, I wonder why.

 

I really don’t understand the Jeremy/Tyler dynamic. Tyler approaches Jeremy and tries to be friendly, which strike me as odd because Jeremy did that a few episodes ago and Tyler shot him down, since Vicki’s the only thing they had in common. Now she’s STILL the only thing they have in common but Tyler’s taking a break from being the least friendly guy on a show full of vampires? I don’t understand.

 

Uncle John shows up at the first meeting of the Founder’s Council that I’ve really seen, and actually addresses the conspicuous vampire activities generated by the Home for Wayward Vampires. Maybe his job is to point out obvious logical inconsistencies…if so, it’s no wonder that no one in town likes him; sci-fi and fantasy shows hate having their plot holes pointed out.

 

Stefan tells Damon what I’m thinking, “I really liked you a whole lot better when you hated everybody”, as the brothers enter the founders’ kickoff party. Still not sure what it is they’re supposed to be “kicking off”, though.

 

In fairness, I'm not really sure why you hire a DJ to play classical music. This outcome was largely inevitable.

"For the Love of God, no more Black Eyed Peas!"

Shortly thereafter, Elena arrives and finds Stefan drunk. First he can’t control his instincts to not get rough with her, now he’s turning to alcohol. Seems like they’re telling us that blood is an addiction that leads to abusive behavior. At first she’s upset, but then Stefan tries to turn it into a positive. He says when drunk he’s much more willing to dance, and even compels the DJ to put on a contemporary song to dance to. Drunk Stefan is suspiciously like Damon, and Elena is alarmingly okay with this paradigm shift. Stefan better watch out now that Damon’s trying to move on from Katherine!

 

While dancing, Elena bumps into a rude jerk on the dance floor. Stefan grabs the guy and compels him to apologize…wow, you can use vampire powers to coerce civility? I’ve never been more interested in being a vampire than I am right now. Of course drunk/detoxing Stefan isn’t satisfied with the apology and very nearly assaults the guy…yet somehow Elena isn’t really alarmed. She’s definitely concerned, yes, but she continues to rationalize all of his strange actions as being a temporary side effect of human blood.

 

Uncle John knows a fair amount about vampires: he knows the truth behind the vampire tomb and he also seems to know both that Damon is linked to the tomb incident and that he is a vampire. Obviously he doesn’t take any action to try and kill Damon…if only he’d had the Saltzman Stake-o-Matic (now just ten low payments of $14.95 plus shipping and handling), then Mystic Falls would be one step closer to solving its undead infestation problem, instead of John having a broken neck in a heap below the balcony.

 

Kelly (Matt and Vicki’s Mom) starts making out with her dead daughter’s ex-boyfriend (Tyler), which proves two things: First, Kelly is the exact same person as Julie Cooper and Secondly, Matt seems to have some weird sixth sense for when his Mom is awkwardly making out with somebody he knows, as he stumbles onto the scene almost immediately and gets in a fistfight with Tyler.

 

After the fight, Stefan senses Kelly’s open head wound and finds himself very hungry. He starts touching her open wound while she’s just sitting there staring at him. She gets upset but not as upset as she should be, it’s super creepy. He then tastes her blood from his fingers and falls off the wagon.

 

"You sure? The contours of your neck feel very familiar to my snapping hands."

"Hey,didn’t I kill you?" "No, I’m pretty sure I would remember that."

I think Damon’s losing his touch. First he killed Saltzman, who turned out find and is still ambiguously indestructible, now Uncle John saunters back into the party like he just took a power nap. Guess it’s not a coincidence, Damon looks closer and realizes that John has the same ring as Saltzman. Saltzman, who got his from Elena’s mother, who allegedly got it off of Elena’s adopted father while she was a patient. Makes you think Damon should stop trying to piss off everyone connected to the Gilberts, huh?

 

That guy Stefan compelled to apologize picks a fight, and Stefan almost eats him. You wouldn’t like him when he’s hungry.

 

During the party Elena makes a poor word choice while talking to Jeremy and suggests his theory about foul play regarding Vicki’s death might be true. He goes home and locates Elena’s vampire diary and discovers that she knows about vampires and was an accessory to the cover-up of her murder. Elena, this is what you get for calling the show The Vampire Diaries instead of the Totally Plausible Vampire Cover-Up Story.

 

John seems to know everything, not just about Damon being a vampire, but also his past with Katherine, Saltzman’s part in everything and he even claims that he sent Isobel to Damon when she wanted to be turned. It seems like everyone who comes to town knows a suspicious amount about the characters of Mystic Falls, is there like a primer in the town tourism center or is everyone just reading spoilers online?

 

When Stefan returns home, Damon starts to tell him about the problem posed by John, but stops himself when he realizes he has a chance to tempt his brother into being evil. He leaves an unfinished glass of human blood to not only turn his brother to the dark side, but also further alluding to symbolic relationship between vampiric blood drinking and alcoholism.

 

 

Dear Vampire Diary,

Since the council was already aware of vanishing blood bank supply, it’s not exactly a shock to know that they’re already on to Stefan. Not entirely sure who to blame here. From the sounds of it, Stefan covered his tracks well, and only because John has knowledge of how vampires operate did they detect the theft. On the other hand, hooking your brother on human blood when the town’s on high vampire alert seems to implicate Damon.

 

It’s a bit of a tangent, but I wonder why John doesn’t outright tell the council about the possibility of daywalking vampires? It’s one of their bigger weaknesses as a group of aspiring hunters. Maybe they would finally be suspicious enough to force people to ingest vervain as a rite of entry, you know, a really obvious way to make sure they aren’t being infiltrated by vampires?

 

I love how Damon, one of the most obvious sociopaths I’ve ever seen, is often the only person on this show with any common sense. Anna comes over and apologizes on behalf of the vampires that kidnapped and tortured his brother, but sort of defends it by saying those vampires were misbehaving. Damon’s response is to point out that a group of vampires who’ve been trapped and starved for over a century aren’t likely to play by anybody’s rules but their own.

 

I don’t think I follow this “Miss Mystic Falls” concept. For one, it sounds more like and ABC Family plotline than a CW one…the fact that I can make this distinction is probably how I am occasionally mistaken for a gay man. Secondly, it seems like the contest coincides with Founder’s day which presents two sources of confusion.

 

Firstly, I’m still watching season one, how have we already come all the way back around to founder’s day? I don’t even remember summer happening on the show. Secondly, Elena refuses to drop this pageant she’s not really interested in because her mom signed her up for it. Her mom was dead by the time the last founder’s day came around, and I believe it had been at least a few months since her death at that point. What kind of pageant is this that coincides with an annual event but doesn’t happen each year, and requires a signup like 18 months or more in advance?

Considering that all this blood came from a hospital and not a blood bank, I’d be surprised if the had enough blood for a single transfusion.

"I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough! *hiccup*"

 

With the tipoff from Anna, Damon attempts to confront Stefan about stealing blood. He first tries to establish Stefan’s taste for human blood by arguing that Stefan is usually depressed, but now he’s not. Is drinking human blood something you do when depressed, like an alcoholic? You have to admit, it makes sense for vampires to be abusive in their relationships if drinking blood is supposed to represent alcoholism.

 

From the sounds of things, Uncle John is on Isobel’s vampiric payroll (definitely not a company you want to fudge your time card for), and he’s trying to track down one of Jonathan Gilbert’s illogical steam punk inventions that fell into the hands of a vampire from the tomb, Anna’s mother Pearl. John tries to blackmail Damon into finding the macguffin, but Damon reminds John that he’s both a vampire and a sociopath, and if the council learns he’s a vampire, he will just kill them all. I approve.

 

Bonnie is the WORST. She’s finally back in town, but all she’s done since returning is act quiet and depressed. Elena finally confronts her about it and she explains her issue: she’s upset her grandmother died in vain since the vampires escaped from the tomb, and now she blames the Salvatores for it…

 

Excuse me!? I’m quite certain you were the one who insisted your grandmother try to temporarily release the seal and you even coerced her into doing the spell. Plus it was your own lack of talent as a witch that forced her to overexert herself to compensate for your…Bonnie-ness! You are the singular source responsible for any and all consequences of your own terrible idea, you witch!

 

Jeremy just can not stop lending out dangerous information about Jonathan Gilbert’s journal! First he lends it to Alaric without a second thought, then he tells Anna where it is so she can steal it and now he’s telling untrustworthy Uncle John about its existence. On the one hand he’s going to eventually get everyone killed, but on the other hand his idiocy makes him a huge asset to vampires, so he’ll probably die last.

 

Not sure how to feel about the addiction plotline. I mean, Sci-Fi and Fantasy have a history of disguising serious issues to address them, especially in television on shows like Star Trek, and I much prefer this to the brief subplot where Jeremy was a drug addict. Still, I really prefer when Damon and Stefan are begrudgingly working together, and I really don’t find the internal struggle thing very exciting…probably because a basic understanding of television dictates that Stefan will go back to normal soon enough.

 

"But hey, even if I die, I know some delicious teenage girls you could feed on!"

"Thank you sir, may I please have another? Oh...oh no wait, I'm bleeding out. A shame, that."

Damon sneaks into the dressing room for the pageant and tells Elena about Stefan’s new diet (I’m sure that’s totally why he came there). Stefan walks in and freaks out when he discovers that Elena knows his secret, which causes him to accidentally kidnap Amber, another contestant in the pageant. Unfortunately for Stefan, the cops generally frown on even accidental kidnapping, and I would know…er from secondhand information.

 

Amber, the girl Stefan kidnapped from the party totally exemplifies the willing victim of an abusive relationship. As she’s gushing blood from her bite wound “it’s okay, it doesn’t hurt that much, just not so hard next time”. Even Stefan is kind of freaked out by how calm she is, but that’s what you get for compelling your victims. The ability to compel equates to a level of charm that convinces someone to rationalize away all the relationship red flags, you know, like Elena is doing naturally.

 

Bonnie does the first truly useful thing of her witching career and psychically beams dial-up noise into Stefan’s head when he’s hunting Amber. It puts him back to normal just in time for him to freak out about everyone seeing him covered in some innocent girl’s blood. Seriously, though, where did she learn to do that? I know Bonnie left town for a while, but mind punching a vampire seems like a pretty high-level skill, and she’s….well, she’s Bonnie.

 

"Hey, maybe it will decode secret messages from Van Hellsing!"

“What is this thing? Looks like you got it out of a box of Cheerios.” “No, it is a plot device, it will almost certainly be essential for something by the end of this season.”

Pearl gives Jonathan’s device to Damon as an apology for nearly getting a bunch of people killed by wayward vampires, including Stefan who (as a result of the vampires escaping the tomb) now hungers for human blood and is jeopardizing all of the vampires in town. Oh, and she doesn’t know what the device does either. I guess it’s the thought that counts, so at least it’s slightly better than a Hallmark card.

 

Elena goes to see Stefan. She tells him that she knows his actions aren’t him, they’re her fault for giving him the blood (coughrationalizingcough) and he tries to convince her that he is truly a monster and the blood just makes it more obvious. He finally agrees to accept her help, so she injects him with a syringe full of vervain and locks him in the Salvatore’s dungeon.

 

In review, Damon is thinking through the consequences of his actions and helped Elena at the Miss Mystic pageant to spare her feelings, Stefan is feeding on living humans and functioning almost solely on pure instinct and Anna and Pearl have mellowed out dramatically and are asking nicely for Damon’s trust. I’m pretty sure it’s opposite day.

Dear Vampire Diaries: Volume 5

Dear Vampire Diary,

Vampire Pizza is very quick, but if you don't tip the delivery guys well then you'll become dinner.

“Hey, if I slip you an extra twenty, will you not come back and attack my sister?” “Hmmm, no promises.”

Here’s a reason to tell Jeremy about vampires: so he doesn’t invite the pizza guy into their home, thus allowing a shady vampire free access to Elena, who seems to be made of like vampire nip or something.

 

On that note, I don’t think we should really trust Jeremy at all. Don’t get me wrong, he’s been a much more interesting character since his vampire girlfriend died and he was hypnotized to forget about her, but he never even noticed the family heirloom pocketwatch go missing, and then he hands over that journal from his ancestor to Alaric without any hesitation. A book like that is probably very delicate…though he was carrying it around school in his backpack, so it may actually be better off.

 

At this rate I should just start writing “Jeremy Gilbert” in my vampire diary and dot the i’s with hearts…and probably put little vampire fangs on the m’s. Anyway, now he’s pushing away the cute home school girl because he’s hung up on his dead vampire girlfriend, who was a terrible influence and that he doesn’t even know is dead. If he’s not careful, this entry is just going to be reasons I hate Jeremy.

 

Remember that time all the vampires were going to leave town? I do. I know the Salvatores now have reason to stay, I just think it’s funny that neither of them ever really addressed sticking around, they just sort of didn’t leave.

 

Again, the Vampire Compass (TM) isn't very useful if the person most likely to drop by unannounced, your boyfriend, constantly gives you a false positive.

"Hey Elena, what’s hanging? Other than me of course! Hahaha, I crack myself up."

So the vampire pizza delivery boy comes back and tries to eat Elena, but he uses the oldest trick in the book to hide.

 

I think it’s kind of funny that people are finally on board with trying to kill Damon now that he’s mostly behaving himself, and occasionally being helpful.

 

Well, I was all set to congratulate Anna for having common sense once again for reprimanding Jeremy for giving out his journal indiscriminately, until she turned out to be a vampire. If I had a nickel for every time I ended a story with “until she turned out to be a vampire” I’d be a rich man.

 

It seems like people who get involved with vampires have a tendency to keep getting involved with vampires. First Caroline with Damon, then Logan and now Jeremy with Vicky followed by Anna. So according to my vaguely defined abusive vampire theory, some people are just the vampire type, and keep getting attracted without learning their lesson.

 

Turn-offs include responsible decision making and his physical and emotional well being.

Jeremy Gilbert: Turn-ons include candle-lit dinners, (super) strong, independent women and undead monsters who want to feed on him both literally and figuratively.

Anna’s vampire obsession seems weird now that we know she’s a vampire. Like, why bother trying to convince Jeremy that vampires exist when she knows they exist because she is one, and having people know about it is a liability.

 

Oh good, the journal that Jeremy irresponsibly lent his teacher contains a lead toward opening the tomb full of angry, hungry vampires. It seems weird to have Stefan be the one torturing this information out of Anna’s friend the, vampire pizza guy, though.

 

It’s a good thing that every single person in this world keeps a journal, because they seem to be a great source of vampire-related information. I’m surprised, though, that since the pilot they’ve always been referred to as journals and not diaries. That’s like having Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom take place in a regular old church. In theory they are similar concepts, but it’s just not the same.

 

So it looks like Anna has a vampire boyfriend, and together they’re trying to free all of the angry vampires too. This seems like a poor decision. I mean, taking care of an army of vampires is a big responsibility, you’ll have to feed them and walk them and clean up after them…did they really think this through?

 

 

Dear Vampire Diary,

 

So we get our episodic dose of cold open vampire attack in the form of a Flashback to Katherine-era Mystic Falls. Despite all of Stefan and Damon’s talk of their rivalry over Katherine, this is the first time I really sense the drama behind it. We’ve already seen the moment when Stefan got turned against his will, but now we see Damon asking to be turned and Katherine forcing him to wait.

 

This whole scene with Damon intruding on Elena and Stefan’s morning-after-glow raises an uncomfortable point about vampires cohabitating. You thought it was bad hearing your roommate going at it? Try hearing every agonizing detail with your super senses. I now have the heebie jeebies.

 

For a hundred and forty five years Damon has ruined Stefan’s happiness every chance he’s gotten. Isn’t there an expression that goes, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me consistently over the course of a century and a half, shame on me”?

 

"Look, It even tells the time! Oh no, wait...yeah it's just broken."

"Behold, I've invented a device to track vampires!" “What is it, Magic?” “No! It operates on Newtonian laws of Vampires...shut up.”

I’m glad that even people in 1864 called shenanigans on the vampire compass, though it’s kind of concerning that the people of Mystic Falls have either gotten dumb or complacent enough to just accept these sorts of things. Like “animal attacks” and “large quantities of people leaving town suddenly for no reason”.

 

Woops! Apparently papa Salvatore was a vampire hunter. I bet that made Thanksgiving dinners pretty awkward.

 

Okay, now I certainly had my reservations at first, but Saltzman is definitely shaping up to be an awesome character. He’s the only person who really seems to grasp the vampire threat, and can handle himself against them. Plus, apparently he invented some sort of anti-vampire stake cannon fit for a really sweet action cartoon.

 

It just occurred to me that Katherine is a daywalker, despite inferences in the present that only Damon and Stefan can use their magical decoder rings to eat lunch at outdoor cafes and such. She must be the source of their vaguely explained power!

 

I hear he's already developing an automatic version due for release in time for Christmas this year!

The Saltzman Slay-o-Matic 5000, available at all fine sporting goods retailers.

Woah, wait, vampires can parlay their reflexes into super video game playing power!? Imagine the quality of my Let’s Plays if I just added some human blood to my diet!

 

Ah-ha! There we go! Emily is apparently the one responsible for whatever nondescript enchantment on those rings lets vampires survive sunlight. Between that and whatever deal she made with Damon to release those vampires from the tomb, I’m finally starting to see the family resemblance to Bonnie.

 

Looks like Anna, Jeremy’s socially awkward, vampire-obsessed vampire stalker is actually Annabelle, Katherine’s vampire friend’s vampire daughter. Whether or not you managed to follow that description to understand the relationship, I think you and I can both agree that we’re finally delving into soap opera grade relationship territory.

 

Shucks, looks like the Damon/Stefan partnership built on a foundation of lies has finally crumbled. The brothers met at their father’s grave since it turns out his vampire hunter status led to him being entrusted with the Grimoire with the spell which can open the tomb. This confrontation, in turn, facilitated possibly the least plausible moment of the series so far; an emo teenage girl with vampire blood forced into her system NOT trying to kill herself to gain eternal life as a vampire.

 

"Oh no, don't make me a vampire. While you're at it, you better not have hot vampire sex with me, that would be 'terrible'".

"Hold the phone, if I die right now I get to be a vampire? This seems like a win-win to me, a typical emo teenage girl."

I hope at some point they explain why Emily wanted to put herself on the line to help out a bunch of vampires. Isn’t just being a witch dangerous enough in the 1800’s? And if they were all such good friends, why didn’t they turn her so she could be a vampire witch? In the rock paper scissors game of witch, werewolf, vampire, I’m pretty sure vampire witch trumps all.

Dear Vampire Diaries: Volume 2

Dear Vampire Diary,

 

Okay, Mystic Falls, what’s the deal? Don’t you have any animal experts at all? I feel like all of these gruesome “animal attacks” would have raised at least SOME suspicion of something more sinister than a wolf or whatever. Of course I say this, but it’s really only a matter of time until werewolves show up and make me sound silly.

 

Aw yeah! We’re finally going to have an implausible social event! These are a staple of any teen drama worth the name. I wonder if the Founder’s Party is going to be all-in ridiculous, like black-tie or something.

 

Damon’s relationship with Caroline seems like an allegory for controlling male dominance in a relationship. And I thought that before the stab at Twilight that makes it even more apparent (Damon sits lamenting the past days of Anne Rice and asks “What’s so special about Bella?”).

 

If there’s some sort of drug to help treat the symptoms of angst, I’d like to sign Elena’s brother Jeremy up for the trial group. He’s throwing an absolute fit over his sister lending their family heirlooms to the mayor’s family for one night of cultural history. Chill out!

 

Obviously some of it would be myth, but don't you think people hunting vampires would be prepared for this type of situation?

"So, you going to invite me in?" "Well, I'm part of a secret council that actively hunts vampires...so sure, why not?"

It’s a good thing so many people in Mystic Falls are predisposed to phrasing their greetings as an invitation inside, otherwise vampires would have much more trouble crashing parties. And here I was thinking that being a plus one would be invitation enough. Silly me.

 

You know, I wasn’t having a problem with this party until the awkward scene where Caroline tries to get Stefan to dance with her. Am I the only one who thinks its weird to ask your friend’s date to dance when you came to the party with your own date? I guess that’s not the weirdest thing I’ve heard of, but she handled it really strangely. Making things MORE peculiar, though, is the fact that the founder’s party is more like a museum wing than a fancy ball, plus there doesn’t seem to be music playing. Where did she plan on dancing and to what?

 

Stefan’s at a pretty big disadvantage in the vampire war. Not only does he not drink human blood, making him physically weaker, but Daman’s natural charm is leaps and bounds above Stefan’s sincerity. He lies to Elena about what happened with Katherine, and even without his mind powers she buys it hook, line and sinker.

 

This C story about the witch girl learning to light candles with her mind is the least organic plot I can remember in ages. She’s in only a few scenes by herself in contrived situations to get her to try to start the fires, with no motivation for her to think she can or to try to do so.

 

Elena spots the horrific vampire bites on Carolyn’s neck. Maybe I’m onto something with this allegory angle. Vampires are abusive boyfriends, who feed on their lovers (though literally here instead of emotionally). Meanwhile Stefan is the one who can actually change?

 

Then again, looking at this whole Vicky choosing the lesser of two awfuls dating plotline, maybe this show is just about broken relationships.

 

I really do feel for Caroline, but she's not the brightest bulb, I wouldn't be shocked by this reaction from her.

"Oh you're spiking my drink?" "Yes, but only to kill my vampire brother" "Aw, so no incestuous vampire threesome?"

Okay, in fairness I definitely underestimated Stefan here. His ploy to spike Carolyn’s drink with the anti-vampire macguffin was pretty masterful, knowing that Damen would feed on her without a second thought. Of course he goes right back to wussville by locking Damen up instead of killing him, or even letting his “uncle” kill him, when he’s clearly proven to be super dangerous.

 

What on Earth!? Well I guess the town doesn’t have any animal experts, but they DO have some Vampire experts…the founder’s council? That’s a pretty good twist, and at least partially explains why the council was throwing a similar fit to Jeremy regarding that pocket watch.

 

 

Dear Vampire Diary,

 

If a vampire doesn’t feed for long enough, they don’t die, but instead become a living corpse? And that’s Stefan’s 50 year rehabilitation plan? This vampire stuff’s getting real, but I can’t decide if I’ve underestimated Stefan again.

 

Oh yeah, forgot about Matt…I guess he’s technically a character too, though I think he’s competing with Bonnie for the title of least useful character.

 

More Vampire hunter talk. Interesting stuff. If the watch has some anti vampire voodoo, and is a family heirloom, does that mean the Gilberts are vampire slayers? Also it’s clear that the council doesn’t know about the weird magic daytime rings, which means they’re probably not especially good at their job.

 

I’m all for clean living, but you picked a weird time to start, Jeremy. You finally hook up with the bad girl and THEN you decide you don’t want to be doing drugs? You’re doing it backwards, when you start your downward spiral, you’re supposed to meet a bad influence and then use that relationship as the excuse to START taking drugs!

 

Unlike Caroline and Vicky before him, it looks like Mr. Tanner is dead. I can’t say I blame Damon for not showing restraint on that one. Doesn’t seem like anyone at the school misses him…actually, we haven’t actually been anywhere near the school since he died. They had to cancel school when he died, because they had to restaff the entire school, didn’t they?

 

I wonder if she'll ever learn to do anything constructive with her magic, like cast a spell to grow a personality.

"Hey guys, check it out, I'm a witch!" "This is why nobody invites you to parties, Bonnie."

Looks like the vampire regeneration factor can heal burning from sunlight. That’s handy.

 

Speaking of burning, Bonnie the witch really needs some psychiatric help to deal with her pyrokinesis problem.

 

Am I really supposed to believe there was film of local news from the 50’s? A lot of TV shows from back then weren’t even filmed, would the local news really go to the trouble? Even if it existed and even if you could zoom in on someone in the background it would be so hopelessly grainy you’d be unable to make out their features. I call shenanigans.

 

Elena figured out there are vampires. Cool for her.

 

Man, even when Vicky figured out that both of her boyfriends were incurable ogres, the abusive boyfriend vampire allegory thing still bit her…literally…in the neck. She’s been fed on twice. Sucks to be her.

 

 

Dear Vampire Diary,

 

I find it weird that Elena phrased her skepticism about her discovery as “I am not a believer”. This is a vague statement…does she not believe in the supernatural? This is what I assume because otherwise it suggests that people in her world believe in Vampires like they do Santa Claus or like a politician who will actually improve something in office.

 

I kid, she's certainly not that bad, but when I see her on screen she still feels like Elena...except when she's undeading people.

"Yo guys, sorry I'm late for your shindig, I hit mad traffic on the way to your crib."

I don’t know exactly why, but I totally don’t by Elena’s actress playing Katherine. She feels like she’s playing dress up.

 

What is Vicky made of, and how does she keep surviving this horrific blood loss? We should study her for science.

 

Time for the laundry list of Vampire myths! I appreciate the fact that they waited to pull this until there was someone to legitimately ask the questions. So that’s myth busted on crucifixes, holy water, garlic and the reflection thing. So almost none of vampire lore is true…at least they don’t sparkle in daylight.

 

This makes me uncomfortable. So Damon makes Vicky drink some of his blood after she survives yet again, then later they start drinking each other’s blood simultaneously. Somehow this seems weirdly incestuous and unpleasant. Aside from which, if vampires could sustain themselves on vampire blood, would it be necessary to feed on humans? I am confused.

 

So Katherine is the vampire that turned both the brothers, eh? I didn’t exactly call it, but I’m not as surprised as I should be. She’s pretty clearly a callous manipulator, so her using vampire powers selfishly would not be a shock even without my theory of abusive vampires.

 

This party montage with Vicky and Damon is delightfully gratuitous. Usually teen dramas save this sort thing for like slumber parties, but sometimes you’ve got to get the bad boy’s shirt off for some reason. She’s not pulling any shame punches either, dancing around and rolling on the floor in a tight/skimpy outfit.

 

So Vicky goes about expositioning her troubled past to Damon, who points out how very damaged she is and then kills her. Of course, she gets back up because she drank his blood. I’m unclear about how this works. I mean They’ve explained their process: drink a vampire’s blood, die, feed on a human. What I don’t get is how you can be undead before you finish the becoming a vampire process.

 

Maybe the needle is made from a teenage girl's hair, and thus is inherently attracted to vampires.

"Alright, got my vampire compass, got my wooden bullets, time to go vampire hunting! Uh oh, made in Taiwan? These bullets aren't going to kill vampires are they?"

Okay, time to talk about this pocket watch. So it seems that pocket watch that Jeremy was moping about is half of some sort of vampire tracking compass thing. Except that the part that actually seems to track them is the part the founder’s council already had, the compass was just an empty shell when they put the other part inside. So…why did they need the watch? Also, what mechanism does one use to track a vampire, anyway? Are they magnetic? Is it just a regular compass? If so the founders are kind of jerks for stealing the watch, but then again, Jeremy hasn’t seemed to miss it, despite his earlier tantrum.

 

Even if we accept that the compass somehow makes sense, what good is this thing for humans? Vampires are considerably faster, stronger and more mind control-y than humans are. You can use this compass thing to get close, piss of a vampire and then die? I think I need to have a word with their QA team.

 

Local newscaster guy got vampire’d! He has a history of abuse from when he cheated on aunt Jenna. Coincidence, or is he being punished for his abusive relationship past? But if this show sought to punish people for that behavior then it would be focused on the vampires, would it? I’m eventually going to figure out how my theory applies, blast it!

 

Looks like my theory about the compass holds true, at least. It got newscaster guy close enough to Vampires to shoot one, then get him wrecked, by an angry vampire. Once again, this feels like a Torchwood plan to me.

Dear Vampire Diaries: Volume 1

Dear Vampire Diary,

 

P.S. - Why doesn't anyone get how special I am?

Dear Diary, Life sucks. Signed, Every vampire romance protagonist ever.

I have to say I’m impressed from the very beginning. It would be difficult to top this intro for sheer emo power. A girl narrating a diary entry about how she wishes she could be more happy since her parents died? Inspired.

 

Elena’s best friend just learned from her grandmother that she’s a witch…or a psychic, she seems unclear. She also has a really weird attitude about the news, though, she seems both obsessed with the idea and deeply cynical about it.

 

Elena and her brother Jeremy live with their aunt Jenna, who looks like their slightly older sister. I’m not sure she should be in charge of raising other people, for one she’s not doing anything about Jeremy’s very special pilot episode  drug problem. He’s addicted to generic pills.

 

So Stefan, a brooding new transfer student, shows up at the office and uses mind control to get them to accept him without transcripts and medical records. I think you’re doing that wrong, I think you’re supposed to use mind control to get OUT of school.

 

Elena meets Stefan in the hottest place for single teens to hang out…the graveyard. Theirs is the typical beginning to a romance: boy meets girl, girl gets injury, boy’s forbidden lust for blood causes him to vanish into the mist like Batman.

 

Soon you will join the shrine to my dead girlfriend...would you mind putting on this old fashioned dress?

If I can't have you, then I shall track down your distant descendant who looks exactly like you! It's good to be a vampire.

What is it about Vampires that makes them all into stalkers? Seriously, the vast majority of Vampire fiction seems to portray them as stalkers. Here we learn Stefan, who is clearly a vampire though it hasn’t yet been explicitly confirmed, has returned to the town of Mystic Falls because he learned that an identical-looking descendant of a woman he once knew is living there now.

 

What is up with the school’s history teacher? He calls out Elaina in front of the class about her lack of knowledge about oddly specific civil war casualty facts because her parents died too long ago. Like even if this seemed like something she should know, giving her a hard time about her parents dying is super inappropriate.

 

Elaina spots her brother sneaking off into the woods during the high school woods kegger. “That’s my brother”, she says to Stephen. “The drunk one?” he asks, as if most people here were not drunk.

 

Good and evil vampire brothers? They would be the best buddy cops! Well, they’d probably fight crime at night, so I guess they’re more like buddy vigilantes. They do apparently have anti-sunlight death rings, which are cool, even though they don’t make sense. Still much better than the Twilight solution of not giving a crap about how vampires work.

 

At this point it has become something of a common trope for there to exist good vampires that don’t feed on humans, but why are they always portrayed as weaker? Couldn’t they just drink larger quantities of animal blood and be on even footing? Either way, if you fed on a bear wouldn’t a bear be stronger than people? Actually, how does the system to quantifying blood “power” work?

 

***

 

Dear Vampire Diary,

 

I like that in the love triangle between Jeremy, Vicky and her awful boyfriend Tyler that  Jeremy is the “compassionate” guy because he gives Vicky hardcore, unprescribed painkillers after she’s attacked by a vampire. Who says chivalry is dead?

 

Aunt Jenna gets called in for a parent teacher conference, though I’m not entirely sure why that happens, or why that happens in the middle of the day. Of course the only person on hand to talk to her is Mr. Tanner, the horrible history teacher from the pilot.

 

Sure he has experience with kids, but I don't think he's qualified to tell a parent that raising teenagers is impossible.

"Do you want to go out with me?" "No." "Wrong answer! I'm so charming you MUST want to go out with me!"

He continues to be a jerk with this actual exchange from the episode:

 

Mr. Tanner: It’s an impossible job isn’t it? Raising two teens?

Jenna: It’s been tough but no, it’s not.

Mr. Tanner: Wrong answer. It’s an extremely impossible job, anything less and you’re not doing it properly.

 

Okay, so this is an extremely weird moment. Most of the characters on the show are all hanging out together at a restaurant even though many of them don’t get along. Elena and her friends are there, but so his Matt (Elena’s ex-boyfriend who is always awkward around her) and Tyler (one point of the abusive love triangle). Suddenly Jeremy walks up and everyone is vomiting secrets at one another like it’s their final confession or something. It’s like after one episode the writers were tired of the characters not knowing all this information, so they decided to force everyone together and exposition it forcefully.

 

And now Stefan and Elena are already making out. So much for dramatic tension! Seems like the writers are really eager to get on with some other part of the story. I’ve got my fingers crossed it’s worth all of this weirdness.

 

I never really understood why people thought vampires were hot. I feel like they’ve been romanticized for a long time, but even if they aren’t stalking or lurking, most of them are fairly likely to murder you for sustenance. This episode ends with Elena’s fairly blonde friend Caroline and Damon hooking up. Well technically it ends on his post hook-up feeding. Just smoke a cigarette or something, dude, eating people’s not sexy.

 

And while we’re at it, why must we bookend episodes with vampire attacks? Also not sexy. Aside from which, it’s super suspicious

 

***

 

Dear Vampire Diary

 

Well I guess that Damon feeding on Caroline wasn’t actually a vampire murder, but more of a literal vampire love bite. This means that we’re still on track to have two vampire attacks per episode. The town coroner must be getting overtime.

 

How many cars do you guys usually benchpress? I usually go for 5 because I prefer more reps at lose weight.

Don't mind me, just an ordinary teenager with a shady past and an arsenal of superhuman abilities.

You know, for a vampire, Stefan’s doing a lousy job staying low key. He uses super vampire strength and speed to turn Tyler’s football prank around on him. Then, he engages the insufferable history teacher in a strangely heated battle of name the year historical things happen, which he wins with his personal experience from vampire immortality.

 

Speaking of Mr. Tanner, the world’s worst history teacher, he plays practically every role within the school. It’s kind of weird, he’s the history teacher, the football coach AND the guy in charge of parent teacher conferences. The only other member of the school staff I’ve seen is the secretary at the office, no principal no other teachers…I’m starting to wonder if this isn’t a one man school and all the teachers are just this one jerk in a series of comical disguises.

 

This episode is focused on extracurricular activities: cheerleading and football to be precise. I guess brooding vampire love stories just aren’t as relatable as they used to be. It feels almost like the network said that this show needed more high school, so we dropped all of those stories involving secrets in the last episode in order to incorporate more familiar high school stereotypes.

 

Of course, had the free will lacklace also had some diamonds set in it, Stefan would be getting lucky tonight.

Screw diamonds! In a world full of mind controlling undead, a free will necklace is a girl's best friend!

For their “we barely know each other” anniversary, Stefan gives Elena a necklace full of something called vervain. Luckily she doesn’t think that a gift of jewelry is rushing things, as the necklace turns out to protect her from Damon’s mind control powers.

 

You know I really do want to be skeptical of the brooding vampire stereotype, but the actor playing Stefan (Paul Wesley) does a genuinely good job with it. When he’s around Elena he acts like a slightly subdued person with genuine emotions, but when he’s around Damien he goes stoic, trying not to show signs of weakness to his brother who’s usually in control. It’s not the most emotional range I’ve ever seen, but it’s believable to me for a vampire.

 

This town’s got a serious raven problem, they’re all over the dang place. We need to call in some exterminators or some owls, which are apparently predators of ravens.

 

Oh no, Tanner just got eaten! Who’s going to run the entire school!? Won’t somebody think of the children!?

 

This whole “you won’t kill my high school girlfriend” idea is a Torchwood plan for sure! Stefan has no means of backing up his claim, so he’s pretty antagonizing his sociopath of a brother while hoping Damon doesn’t actually kill Elena. He’s lucky so far, as Elena survives the episode, but Tanner did not.